Let the Children Come

I mentioned the water truck day, one of the days that we went into Cite Soleil. It was crazy to be in such a dangerous place and even more crazy to realize the way that people were living and what poverty really looks like. People can really live without running water? They can really live amongst so much trash and filth? They can really live with so little? Yes. They can. However, that is not what sticks out to me the most from that day.

A few years ago I was at a retreat where a friend spoke, challenging us to really try to see people the same way that Jesus sees them. He spoke of how we interact with people all day long, from standing in line at the grocery store, to passing someone on the sidewalk, to being noticed by another driver on the road, to our kids, or spouse, or friends. We are constantly interacting with other human beings, and what if we actually started to look at them with the same lens of love that Jesus uses? I can’t even fully grasp the overwhelming and intense love of Jesus, but from that day forward it hasn’t stopped me from trying.

In many situations, especially the times when I am getting frustrated with someone or a person is being unlovely towards me, I try to stop and think, “How would Jesus feel about this person right now?” Or in tough situations I think, “This is not how Jesus would respond. What would he say instead?” I tell you what, it has changed me.Of course, I am no expert at “being Jesus” but I can’t tell you the number of times thinking along these lines has changed my heart towards someone. It is humbling to realize how many icky thoughts I can think about people and about how self serving I can really be. When I try to see someone like Jesus would see them, my heart always crumbles a little bit more. 

So, at the second water truck stop of the day last Friday the thought just popped into my head, as it so often does, “I wonder what Jesus would be doing if he were here right now?” And you know what? For the very first time in my life I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would be standing right beside me doing the very thing that I was doing. In fact, when I realized that I almost felt as if I could see Jesus out of the corner of my eye. If I turned my head just fast enough, maybe, just maybe I would catch a glimpse of him. 

There amongst filthy and unclothed humanity I had a holy moment. 

I couldn’t understand this for awhile. I think we can be like Jesus wherever and whenever. Standing in 100 degree weather in Haiti holding dirty children and handing out water is not the only way to be like Jesus. Yes, Jesus does say in Matthew 25, 

“³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.”

While this passage took on an entirely whole new meaning to me in Haiti, providing people with basic needs when you have plenty and they are in want is...well, it is a very humbling experience. However, Jesus also doesn’t say, “This is the only way to be like me.” So I have been mulling over this for a week now. Why, in that particular moment, did it seems so clear to me?

I think I figured it out today. It wasn’t because of what I was doing, it was because of how I was doing it. See, if I had run across one of those kids standing naked and dirty down at the end of my block, I probably would have called 911 so that someone could come and help me find her parents. I did actually do that once when I was living in North Minneapolis. I wouldn’t have picked up anybody’s naked child but my own, and especially not one with sores on her legs. I would have held her at arm’s length, if I had touched her, or him, at all. But while I was standing there in Cite Soleil I didn’t just let kids come up to me. I reached out to them. I picked them up. I held them close, and hugged them, and kissed their cheeks, and loved them with all the love that I had to offer in that moment. And that was the difference. It was me. It was my heart. 

I think that every time Jesus encountered someone, whether they were in desperate need or not, he reached out to them and loved them with all the love that he had to offer. He never cared if they were dirty. He never cared if they were unlovely. He never cared if they were clothed. He never cared if they were diseased. In that moment last week it was so clear to because I was able to put myself aside for awhile and just love some kids who so desperately needed to be loved. I wasn't thinking about myself. I wasn't asking or hoping for anything in return. I was just pouring out what I had to offer, love. I got to love those kids like Jesus would have loved them if he had been standing next to me, and that love mattered to them. I got to see those precious babies through his eyes. And they were oh so beautiful.

Haiti

I just spent several days in Haiti with an organization called Healing Haiti and now that I finally have time to sit down and write something I feel at a loss for words.

Being back at in Robbinsdale has been just a shock to my brain. For all the trips I've taken and the missions experiences that I have had, I don't think I've ever had such culture shock coming home. I've also never had my heart broken so many times in one week. I can't even count the number of times I have cried since last Tuesday. And then how to answer the simple question, "How was it?" 

Well, the best answer I have to that is that it was simply heartbreaking. 

When Steve and I were once planning to be missionaries to Poland a missions pastor and friend of ours said something along the lines of, "How can I give you that much money for a car and a washer and dryer when that much money would literally save lives in Haiti and Africa? If you can give me a good reason I'll give you the money, otherwise I'm going to use it to save some lives." We didn't have a good answer at the time and, to be honest, I didn't truly understand the full meaning of what he was saying. Yes, the souls in Poland need Jesus just as much as the souls do in Haiti, and could he really be saying that the money was better spent in Haiti? 

That was a good 7 or 8 years ago and it was taken me this long and a trip to Haiti to understand. 

There really are no words or pictures that can accurately describe what it is like to look at a tent city where 100+ people live in an area the size of my yard in makeshift homes made of pieces of tin, tarp, and bedsheets. Rocks and bricks hold the roof from blowing away and there is no running water and no toilets. Add to this picture a ground that is covered in trash and children who are only partially or maybe not clothed at all. There are tent cities that stretch on for blocks and miles. 

I can't tell you what it is like to stand on the sacred ground of a mass grave where 300,000+ bodies were dumped by truckloads after the earthquake a few years ago. There was no room to bury them all. Every single Haitian can tell you the exact date of the earthquake and what they were doing when it happened. One guy I met was in a school with 300 other students. He left the building to get a drink of water and when he stepped outside the earthquake shook the building and everyone in it died, he was the only one who survived. 

These pictures don't describe what it is like to hug someone who should get hugged every day, several times a day, and doesn't. I hugged hundreds of kids who should know the love of a mother every single day and they don't. They are hugged and loved by the occasional white American who stops into their lives for an hour or so...I tried to make each hug count as much as possible. But I know that hugging my own children once or twice a day is not enough for them, and it's not enough for Haitian orphans either.

Cite Soleil is one of the most poor and dangerous places in the world and I went there last Wednesday to deliver water to its residents. They have no access to water, no toilets, and an estimated 400,000 people live in area smaller than North Minneapolis. We did three water truck runs that day, to three different areas of Cite Soleil. When we drove up to the first place my new friend Katie turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "I don't think I can do this, tell me something good." I was silent and tears sprung into my eyes, I had nothing good to tell her. When I stepped off the truck a little girl older but smaller than my son leaped into my arms and would not let me put her down the entire time we were there. I held her and hugged her and tried not to cry. Before we left that water stop we took a little walk out onto a peninsula. Cite Soleil has, ironically, the beautiful turquoise Bahamas looking ocean at it's western edge. We walked out close enough to touch the salty water, but I didn't dare. The peninsula was made up of layers of mud, garbage, and manure. The kids who followed us out there walked over broken glass with their bare feet and didn't even flinch. I carefully picked my way over earth that was really more trash than dirt.Once we reached an open space we stood in a circle with all the children and sang, "God is so good, he's so good, he's so good." And the children sang, laughed, and danced with joy. And I tried not to sit down and sob.

I could tell you of so many other moments just like that where my mind was blown away and my heart ripped open, but I can't right now. Like I said, I've cried so much this past week already. All I can say is that I am glad that our friend took the money and sent it to Haiti. Because just maybe I saw some people, some precious souls who have no hope and who still need a chance to hear about Jesus, who were still alive because of his great heart.

Spring is Here

Today is the first day of truly nice weather we have had all year. It is 65 degrees or so –several degrees warmer than any other day this year – and I finally get to open the windows that have remained motionless for so many months. When I walk into rooms they smell different and feel different.

As I write this from my sunny backporch, Tryn is leaping around the backyard singing, “It’s is finally SPRING! It is finally SPRING! Favorite season, favorite season.” And Berlin, in a sleeveless dress, tights and sparkle shoes, is marching around the yard chanting things about spring: "Spring is here. Piper can be outside. All the time. Spring is here. Little baby trees. And baby Jesus. We can have fun in the sun."

There is leaping, running, dancing and lots of singing.

It is glorious.

It is even more glorious to me this spring as this winter will be remembered as a long one. Literally and otherwise. The feeling that most of my world is feeling today, that glorious realization that the days hoped for are finally here, I already waited for once this year. The days of sickness in our house felt to me like a dark winter with long awaited days of health. And it didn’t stop snowing until APRIL 23. It snowed several times in April in fact, after the winter with several months of sickness. It really was a long winter.

Ironically, Kye started coming down with a cold yesterday and is in full blown cold and teething mode today. But it feels impossible to be unhappy about anything. 

Spring is here. The long wait is finally over.

We are very excited.

Bigger Than Social Media

I read another blog article the other day. The kind where someone is calling me to stop using Instagram, stop getting on Facebook, stop looking at Pinterest, and to stop reading blogs. You know the kind. If only I stop using social media my life will be much fuller, better, fulfilled, and more meaningful. 

The problem is that I don’t think that minimizing my usage or quitting is going to make me feel better about anything.  If I go on Pinterest and feel dissatisfied because I see a picture of The Perfect Kitchen, will I suddenly start being satisfied with everything I have if I never go back to Pinterest? If I’m on Facebook and see that everyone and their mother has been on a vacation in the past few months while I haven’t been on a vacation in the past couple of years, will I suddenly start feeling better if I never go on Facebook? I think not.

I get the point. Sort of. If the good parts of all of your friend’s lives are not right in your face whenever you are bored, you might find yourself a little less unsatisfied a little more often. I agree that real relationships cannot be built via the Internet. However, social media is not the cause of the problem. It’s you. It’s me. It’s the status of our hearts. If I get on Facebook or Pinterest and start feeling dissatisfied with my life or hurt by people because of their careless comments about who knows what, who is to blame? Facebook doesn’t cause me to be unhappy. And, to be honest, neither do any of those people. They didn’t post their comment with me in mind, trying to make me feel or be a certain way. No. It is just me. My response is all my own.

The crux of the issue is not whether or not I have a Facebook account, use Instagram, read blogs, or look at Pinterest. The question is did I wake up satisfied today? Did you wake up thankful for the things that you already have, for the blessings in your life? Did you give thanks for any of the things that you have before you opened up your computer and jumped online? Are you thankful that you are privileged enough to have a functional kitchen in a warm house before you got on Pinterest found the picture of The Perfect Kitchen?

Have you found enough satisfaction in the life that you live and lead so that you don’t need to go on vacation to enjoy the life that you already have? Don't get me wrong, I love to travel and see the world as much as anybody else, truly. I LOVE to travel. Love. Then we had three kids and decided to live on one income. But that didn’t negate the fact that I have dreamed of going to go to Italy since I was a little girl. Then all of my friends, and their friends, and the friends of friend’s acquaintances started going to Italy/wherever without me. And I didn’t want to look at their pictures online because they were doing something that was surely going to make me happy and I couldn’t go. But I couldn’t just stop looking at the pictures online as a remedy for my jealousy. What did that solve? I still saw friends, still heard travel stories, still knew that people went on trips – all without the help of social media. But after realizing that nobody I know has a more fulfilled life because of their vacations, I started to really evaluate my need to travel. Going to Italy wasn’t going to make my life better. Not to mention I am so blessed to be living the life that I have, I should be able to be completely satisfied and happy even if I never go to Italy or take another vacation ever. Italy sure would be fun, but it’s an expensive and extravagant form of fun (that I am sure I will partake of someday) that is not going to make me more Christ-like, more satisfied, or more content with my everyday life. 

If I am only asking myself the question, “Why do I look at Facebook/Instagram/Pinterest when all it does is make me feel unsatisfied?” I am really missing the question, “Have I found enough satisfaction in the life that I live and lead so that I don’t need to go on vacation to enjoy the life that I already have?” If I started to think that the only time I could really be happy is when I was traveling or vacationing, of course I was totally going to feel jealous or envious or dissatisfied every time I saw someone’s travel pictures. 

If I am not fully living here, right where I am, finding satisfaction with my everyday life and the things that I have, that is not the fault of social media. It is the fault of my own ungrateful heart. There is a reason why 1 Timothy 6:6 reads, “Godliness with contentment is great gain.” Being a follower of Christ and being content do not go hand in hand. If Eve had been content in the garden do you think she would have eaten the forbidden fruit? Being discontent and dissatisfied are at the core of our sinful selves, cutting out social media won’t fix that. If I think about how Jesus would live a life here, in the midst of social media and all that we have, I am not sure what Jesus would think. Personally, I don’t think Jesus would be campaigning to get everyone off Facebook . Instead I think he would call us all to examine our own hearts, to figure out why we feel dissatisfied or unhappy, and to change our hearts first of all. If changing our hearts resulted in less FB interactions, less Instagramming, and less computer time in general – well, great! I think he would just be calling us to live more Christ centered lives, and if we did all of those other things would become a little bit more irrelevant.

Two Little Berlin Stories

Yesterday Berlin was in the middle of yet another fever. She had fallen asleep on the couch and so Steve carried her upstairs and put her to bed. When she woke up she was really warm, like 103.7 warm. Steve gave her some medicine and I got a cold wash cloth to put on her forehead to try to bringing her fever down a little. 

Steve left and I laid down next to Berlin and put the cloth on her face. She peeked open her eyes to see what I was doing. Suddenly her eyes filled with tears. I ask her what’s wrong. Nothing. I ask her again. She said I don’t know. It was like a game of Twenty Questions only I am sure we went well beyond twenty. Something was clearly wrong and she either did not know what it was or did not want to tell me.

Finally I asked if she was worried. Yes, she said. Really? Yes. Okay, well, what are you worried about? I don’t know. 

We began to repeat Twenty Questions.

Then I remembered. Last week I rearranged the living room. More like spring cleaned and rearranged the living room, which took most of one whole day. Part of that time I had Little Women playing on the TV for background noise. Well, Beth, one of the sisters, gets scarlet fever and then later dies from it. All they show is her lying fevered in bed, and being cooled with a wash cloth to her forehead.

Oh. Oh my. 

Sweetie, are you afraid you are going to die? With tears still falling and ragged scared breaths Berli nodded yes. Like she did in the movie last week? Another nod. 

My dear sweet sensitive girl. 

Not if I can help it. And definitely not today from this fever. I promise, promise.

Today, still tired with her fever, I tried to convince Berli it would be a good idea to take a nap. This is like trying to tell a cat that it would be fun to take a bath. You know how that goes. Berlin is calmer than a cat in her response, but the answer is still the same: Heck no.

I could tell she was tired though. Her fever was 100.2-101.6 all day, which would make anyone tired. Then I finally got it. Berlin is our child who was hard to potty train. The reason being that she was always having way too much fun to even think about going to the bathroom. This resulted in many races to the toilet to see if we could make it in time and ever so many accidents, some while we were just trying to get pants off. Finally, after 5 years, I finally realized why Berlin doesn’t like to nap. Why didn’t I see this before?  

I ask, are you worried about missing something fun? She doesn’t even answer. Her whole face just changes and she suddenly lets her real tired show. Her eyes fill up with tears in a way that only I understand because I am her mother and she gets that from me. 

If I promise that we will not do anything at all fun will you please take a nap? A slow nod yes. 

Oh, good.

 I'm glad that has been figured out. 

My Long Winter

111 days. That’s how many days it has been since Thanksgiving. Out of those 111 days I think that someone has been sick in this house for all but maybe 10 of those days. The only days I can literally remember not one of us being sick was from Christmas Day to New Years Day. 

101 days of sickness. 

The person most sick has been Kye, which, for obvious reasons, is the hardest. He is a 21 month old boy. He is active, rambunctious, learning to test me and test his limits, and so very busy. Over the past 111 days he has also added a lot of whining and picky eating to his repertoire of descriptors. He used to be my best eater, but sick kids are finicky and when they are sick for almost 111 days straight they live and breathe pickiness. 

Although I have nothing to contend with Laura Ingalls, this is my version of The Long Winter. 

I’ve had my own sickness during this time, starting with the flu, two other stomach bugs, two colds, and a bout of pink eye that lasted for 6 days and was then followed by a weeklong head stuffy cold.

Seriously. 

Sometime back in January I said, “This has to be it. We have gotten all the illnesses there are to get, right? I think we are done being sick.” That was more than 60 days of sickness ago. Now I have been taking care of sick kids for 111 days, not to mention homeschooling for the first time, trying to keep Heidi Haines Photography up and running, and all the general household upkeep and trying to make healthy food for my family. I am tired. And just a little bit discouraged. 

Back in January I wrote a post about how God has been good to me. I still firmly believe that, but you want to know what else I have also discovered since then? Seeing God at work in my life has more to do with me that it does with anything else. 

I know this because I learned it the hard way. In February, after some 80ish days of sickness, I got really tired, so tired and discouraged that I didn’t care anymore. I stopped acknowledging God’s blessings in my life, I stopped saying thank you, I stopped being grateful. God did not change during this time. He didn’t stop being the same consistent, faithful God that He is without fail. The only thing that changed was me. I got burnt out on sick life and stopped looking around me - I started to only look at myself.

Want to know what happened? I became icky to be around. I was crabby, every day felt so hard, and even Steve, who loves me like no other, didn’t have much tolerance for me. To be honest, I didn’t have much tolerance for me either. I think the only people who actually wanted to be around me during that time were my kids, bless their little hearts. 

After all this, I finally have an answer to the one inquiry that was posted in response to that blog that I wrote back in January. The Lord was good to me last year, so good. BUT, He has been good to me every year. Yes, lots of years were harder for me than last year, but that has nothing to do with God. What changed is that I changed last year. I spent the entire year being thankful and grateful on a daily basis, saying out loud, “Jesus, I am SO thankful for my kids, I am so grateful for my house, I love my neighborhood, I am so thankful for ______” I acknowledged Jesus in my life and I acknowledged my blessings every day. And I felt SO blessed, not because Jesus was blessing me more, but just because I was being thankful and I was content. 

We are still not done being sick. Two days ago Berlin went sledding and her face connected with a chunk of ice after a full speed jaunt down the hill. She looks like someone took a 2x4 to the left side of her face. The scariest moments in parenthood are the ones when you realize that your kids will have accidents and there is nothing you can do to stop it. She could have been hurt so much worse and it was so scary. I still feel a little sick when I think about what could have happened. The next day Kye woke up with yet another fever. After our second trip to the doctor in one week I was told that he either has pneumonia or is just getting another cold. You have GOT to be kidding me. 

Although this is completely discouraging, the one thing that I will not forget this week is to say, “The Lord has been good to me.” 

The Lord has been good to me.

Despite the emotionally longest winter I have had in years, the Lord has not changed. He is faithful, He is consistent, He loves me, He is at work in my life, and He sees me. He sees me. Yes, my kids have been sick for a long, long time, but there is still so much good in my life. So much to be thankful for.

The Lord has been so good to me.

(Small disclaimer: I actually started this blog on Tuesday, when it was 111 days. Today it makes 114 days.)